


but until then i'm just a sucker

by twohourstraffic



Series: take this sinking boat and point it home [10]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Babysitting, F/M, Future Fic, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-06-03 05:38:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6598894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twohourstraffic/pseuds/twohourstraffic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Bittle kids have a very, very large extended family. Their godparents are trying their best.</p><p>Or, a series of episodes in which Bitty and Jack trusted Shitty and Lardo with their children.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. gabi, eight months

One Saturday morning in January, Shitty gets out of his car and makes his way up to the front door of a pale blue house with a picket fence. He rings the doorbell, laughing as he hears Bitty's monologue coming closer and closer on the other side of the thick door.

“Who could _that_ be, Miss Gabi? Could it be your godfather that your papa hasn't seen for ages and they really need to catch-up as soon as possible because he called me ‘man’ yesterday and I'm pretty sure we banned all hockey bro nicknames in our vows, especially after he –”

The front door is flung open and Bitty is standing there, a baby on his hip and a massive grin on his face. “Shitty!” he shrieks. “It has been way, _way_ too long.”

Shitty returns the grin and pulls Bitty into a hug, trying to avoid crushing Gabi. “Pretty sure it's been about three weeks, Bits. Although, having said that, look at this one! She's definitely grown since I last saw her. Are you talking yet, baby girl?” he asks the baby, who smiles gummily and proceeds to attempt to shove her entire fist in her mouth. Bitty snorts.

“Your Aunt Lardo can do that, did you know that, sweetheart?” he coos to his daughter. “She won $20 off one of our friends from college once. God, were you even there for that, Shits? Poor Dex. Never bet against her, OK, baby?”

Gabi shakes her head solemnly. Shitty grins and shakes his head back at her.

Bitty suddenly realises that he’s standing in the doorway of his house with bare feet, in the middle of winter, with one of his best friends still outside. “Oh my gosh, where are my manners? Come in, come in! Do you want coffee? There’s leftover pancakes in the fridge, or I’ve got scones, and there’s brownies in the oven, for the blog, although I’m trying something new this week, you’ll have to let me know what you think …”

Shitty follows Bitty through the hallway and into the bright, spacious kitchen. When he and Jack had been house hunting, there had only been a few non-negotiables on their list: plenty of sunlight, big closets, at least one bathtub. They had promptly redone the kitchen and it was now a sanctuary in an already-gorgeous home. Shitty sits at the big dining table, and promptly receives a lapful of squirming baby. Bitty bustles around the kitchen, making coffee and arranging scones on a plate, while Shitty makes faces at Gabi.

When it comes, Shitty accepts his coffee gratefully, taking a huge mouthful. “You're truly a god among men. But you really didn’t have to do this, Bits. I’m just here to pick her up, remember?"

Bitty sits down at the table and absentmindedly takes his daughter back, stroking her hair with one hand while reaching for a scone with the other. He pulls off a corner and sticks it in his mouth.

“Yeah, about that,” he says when he has swallowed the scone. “That's a bit dry, by the way, I don’t think coconut oil will ever match up to butter, no matter what people say, although I am trying to do more vegan recipes, they’re so popular these days, but it just feels wrong –”

“But on the topic of Gabi…” Shitty prompts patiently.

Bitty sighs.

“I just … she’s so much work. I mean, I love her to death, but there are so many tricks that you don't know and I just don't want you to get overwhelmed or not know what to do. I mean, you've got my number and Jack’s at work but I'm sure he'd get back to you as soon as he could if he saw that he’d missed a call, but –”

“Bits, has she ever been babysat?”

“Well, she's spent time with my parents, and Alicia and Bob took her for a few days after Christmas so we could get some time alone. But other than that … no.”

Shitty takes a deep breath, trying to work out the politest way to tell Bitty to take a deep breath. “Bitty, babe, she's eight months old. It's time.”

Bitty lets out a pained moan and pouts, but he knows he's being ridiculous. Shitty makes grabby hands until Bitty hesitantly, finally hands Gabi over. He balances her in his lap, and she surveys the room contentedly, one thumb firmly planted in her mouth. Bitty stares longingly at her.

“Are you absolutely sure you’ll OK with her? I can always just write when she’s asleep if it’s going to be too much trouble. I've packed the diaper bag, there’s toys and bottles and things in there, and the carrier is sitting near the door, I’ll show you how to use it. Oh, and I guess we’ll have to get the car seat set up in your car.”

Shitty looks down at the small, very calm, person in his arms, and then back at her very stressed father. “Bitty, she's a baby. It's fine. We'll go and walk around the mall for a few hours, maybe drop in to say hi to Lardo at work. You'll have her back in a few hours.”

Bitty takes a deep breath before changing the subject. “Jack has a home game later tonight so he said he'll be home for a few hours at about 2. Please just stick around long enough to say hi? I swear to God, if he starts saying ‘swasome, he’s sleeping on the couch.”

Shitty snorts. “I’m not sure that I’ve ever heard him say ‘swasome in his life, but I’ll make sure I’m here. Does that mean I can have Gabi until 2? It's already 9:30, Bits, you’ll barely get any writing done once you've photographed everything.”

“Fine!” Bitty huffs, before his eyes go wide and he slaps a hand over his mouth. “Oh my God, Shitty, I’m so sorry. That was totally uncalled for. Yes, please take my daughter out of my hair for a few hours. Please be a massive help and honestly the best friend anyone could ask for. I could not be more grateful for you and there are few people in the world that I would trust more with Gabi.”

Shitty rolls his eyes and stands up. “Come show me how the car seat works and then we're rolling.” He bounces Gabi on his hip. “Are you ready for adventures, beautiful? I’m going to take you to a poetry reading, then we can discuss the Bechdel test while we get sashimi, it’s going to be amazing.”

He carries her into the corridor, pointedly ignoring Bitty’s call of “I know you're joking but please do not feed her raw fish!”

* * *

The first half hour at the mall consists of a lot of wandering, buying half the children’s section in Barnes and Noble. He’s now sitting Starbucks with Gabi on his knee, flicking through the latest edition of _Cosmo_ while absentmindedly sipping a coffee. He turns the page and there is a huge advertisement for Honda, featuring Jack. It must be part of a multi-platform campaign, but Shitty has never seen the print version. He didn’t realise it was possible for Jack to look more awkward uncomfortable than he does on TV, but the beautiful bastard has done it. Gabi's eyes light up, but for different reasons.

She shrieks happily, before starting up a chant of ‘papapapapapa’. It's honestly adorable. Shitty surreptitiously takes a photo of her patting the page and sends it to Bitty and Jack.

 **Bitty:** OH BLESS HER HEART

 **Bitty:** i'm so glad she's behaving herself! has she been ok?

 **Bitty:** and how great is that campaign???? poor jack though, he hates it lol

He sends back a quick ‘chyeah she's totally fine stop procrastinating’ text, before his attention is drawn by the tiny hand pulling his hair.

“Yes, baby girl? Have I not been giving you enough attention? Let's go for a wander, hey? We can walk in circles like idiots but we'll have intellectually stimulating conversations while we do it so it's not lame. First topic?”

Gabi giggles and pokes him in the face.

“You honestly have the greatest ideas, babyface. We’ll start with how boring my job is right now, but how it’s allowing me to almost have finished paid off my student loans. We can talk about capitalism and how the system is broken, and how the way that American universities expect their students to run themselves into the ground to pay for education is outrageous. Did you know that President Obama didn’t pay off his loans until he’d already been president for years?”

Gabi blows a spit bubble.

“Oh wow, that's really interesting. Tell me more?”

He stands up and starts to put Gabi back into her carrier, pinching her toes when she's all strapped in. “We ready to go, bro?”

She smashes her forehead into his chin and mumbles something to herself.

“I'm going to take that as a yes.”

They wander through the maze of stores, Shitty stopping quickly to grab some shoe polish. As they make their way back into the concourse, his eye is caught by the store directly across the way.

He looks awkwardly down at the top of Gabi's head and asks, very seriously, “Gabi, if you don’t want to go into the toy store, I need you to recite the soliloquy from Act 4 of Hamlet right now. Even just the first few words, I'm not picky.”

Gabi strains her neck to look at him and blinks, then sneezes.

“Oh man, I guess you want to go in? Fine, twist my arm.”

Shitty himself feels slightly overwhelmed by the fluorescent lighting and bright packaging, and can only imagine what a child must go through when walking through those doors. Luckily for him, Gabi is too busy sucking on her thumb to pay too much attention to her surroundings. He didn’t want to return her to her parents without buying something totally unnecessary, though, so this visit was just going have to happen.

“Gabi, do you have any thoughts on unnecessary gendering of children’s toys? Because, fuck, I do. Do you know what I need right now? It’s not a pink ghetto, let me tell you _that_ right fucking now. I just need a section with toys that you won’t choke to death on, please and thank you. How do you feel about trucks?”

Gabi sneezes again.

They end up heading to the check-out with a wooden train, a block puzzle with pieces so big that Gabi couldn't choke on them if she tried, a cloth doll, a stack of books and a cowboy hat.

While loading his purchases onto the conveyer belt, Shitty bumps Gabi’s arm with one of the boxes. She looks at him crossly, but is otherwise relatively unphased.

“Oh my gosh, she’s so well behaved!” the cashier comments. She coos at Gabi, who smiles gummily back at her.

Shitty beams. “Yeah, she's pretty awesome.”

“You wouldn't believe some of the kids I’ve seen in five years here. Total horror stories, I promise you, kicking and screaming while they’re being bought the most amazing toys. It’s all about parenting though, at the end of the day. Is she yours?”

“Oh my god, _no_. She’s my niece. And yeah, you’re absolutely right. Her parents have done a pretty great job with her, to be honest.”

The cashier grins. “I can see that.” She rings up the purchase and wishes them a good day, just as Gabi starts to yawn uncontrollably.

Shitty grabs the bag with one hand, using the other hand to stroke Gabi's hair. Bitty had told him that she would probably fall asleep around 11, so he doesn't panic. Within a few minutes, she’s out for the count. He isn’t sure about his ability to move her from sling to car seat without waking her up, so he just wanders the mall quietly until she starts to stir.

When Gabi’s eyes finally open, she cranes her head back to look at him. There’s confusion on her face as she tries to work out where her parents are, and tears start to gather in her eyes.

“Hi, gorgeous. Hey, it’s OK, it’s totally fine, I'm just looking after you for a couple of hours. You'll be back with your daddy in no time at all.”

Her bottom lip starts to wobble but she doesn't actually cry, so he calls that a win and keeps walking around until she calms down, talking quietly the whole time.

“Hey, so I had an idea, and stop me if this is crazy, OK? But I was thinking we could go visit Aunt Lardo at work. I know it's a Saturday, but she's a lame workaholic and ‘just wanted to finish a few things’. I bet we could get her to take a lunch break if I brought her favourite Bittle for a visit, what do you say?”

Gabi pulls a face.

“I know. Workaholics, am I right? But it takes all types to make a world. Look at your papa, for one.” He taps her nose and she giggles, which he chalks up as a win.

As they walk to the car park, Shitty’s phone vibrates with a couple of texts. He reads them and snorts.

 **Zimmboni:** who are you and how did you get my baby

 **Zimmboni:** also please don’t show that ad to her she still thinks i’m cool

* * *

Shitty has almost run out of music options when they finally arrive at Lardo’s office, and he heaves a sigh of relief. Anything too quiet makes Gabi’s head droop, anything too loud has the potential to be frightening, anything too lame and she indignantly shrieks at him. He’s sure that she would have appreciated Beyoncé, but the selection on his phone is severely limited.

He pushes the buzzer for the office and pokes Gabi several times to see if he can get her to say something into the microphone. Alas, no dice.

“Hello?” Lardo's very confused voice comes through the tinny speaker.

“Hey, it’s me. I just thought I’d drop by and see if you wanted to go get lunch quickly?”

“Shits, babe, I’ll be home soon. Remember, I told you I have to finish this stuff today, we’ve got that show starting next week and one of my artists won't tell me which pieces they want included, plus we're working with someone in Europe so I'm on a time zone deadline.”

“OK, can I just come up for a second? I'm not alone.”

Shitty can see Lardo’s face in his head as she lets out a very long, very frustrated breath before muttering “Fine!” and buzzing the door open.

He bounces Gabi on his hip as they walk up the four flights of stairs to the office for the art gallery where Lardo is working, hoping that he hasn’t gone too far. He can hear Lardo ranting at him from the top of the stairs.

“Honestly, Shitty, I told you about all this earlier, remember? And remember when I said that I just needed to get this done and that I’d get home as soon as I could, so we could try and get to Jack’s game tonight, so to be honest I’m not sure why – oh my god, Gabi! Hi, baby!”

She reaches out her arms for the baby, and Gabi goes to her happily. Lardo kisses her forehead, then smells her hair.

“Christ, how good do babies smell?”

“Pretty fucking good,” Shitty agrees, kissing Lardo quickly. It looks like he’s already been forgiven, which is a blessing. Lardo is truly incredible at holding grudges when she wants to.

“Just so you know, bribing me with our godbaby will not work every time. I really do have a lot to do. Remind me never to work with Europe again, trying to do anything in this fucking four hour gap is driving me up the wall.”

“I know, babe. It’s frustrating. But I _have_ bribed you with our godbaby, so … you’re welcome. Oh, and I was serious about lunch. And even if you're not hungry, I have to feed this munchkin, so you’re stuck with us for a few minutes.”

Lardo rolls her eyes but doesn’t kick them out. Shitty takes Gabi back and sets up at one end of the conference table, slowly feeding her a jar of puréed apple and banana while Lardo runs him through the latest in the saga of her nightmare artists.

“So they’ve decided that one of the pieces they’ve sent isn’t suitable for the space we’ve provided, ignoring the fact that I pitched with this space and they loved it, to the point that they wanted the entire thing when I wanted them to split it with that sculptor. They’ve asked for another room which would require reshuffling everything but Derek is in charge of that shit and he's taken a few vacation days to go skiing. So anyway, I need to get back to them this afternoon and I’m just stuck, Shits, I don’t know what to do and –”

Gabi lets out an indignant shriek, either at the unfairness of the situation or the fact that she hasn't been given food for a good minute while Shitty pays attention to the story.

“Yes, thank you, baby girl! That's what I thought too, to be honest. I just want to scream.” She takes a deep breath. “Take me back to managing your loser asses, at least you appreciated the effort.”

“We couldn't have played without you, babe, you know that. And I know that this job is driving you insane, but it’s all temporary. Just one step on the way to where you actually want to be. One day it’ll just be a funny story you can tell people about.”

“I know, but it sucks now. Today.” Lardo slams her forehead into the conference table and moans pathetically. Gabi reaches over and pats her arm with a sticky hand.

“At least the baby feels sorry for me. No fucking sympathy from you.”

“I’m sympathetic! Let me show you how sympathetic I can be, I fucking ooze sympathy,” Shitty rambles nonsensically as he plants Gabi safely on the floor before roughing tousling Lardo’s hair. “If the munchkin wasn’t here, I’d show you how sympathetic I am.”

“Oh, yeah, babe?” Lardo bites her lower lip seductively.

“You know it,” Shitty murmurs, bending down to kiss her. Their lips barely brush before he feels a tiny arm wrapping around his leg, and he groans as he bumps their foreheads together.

Lardo laughs cheekily, long and loud. “As much as I appreciate the gesture, Shits, I’d much rather you get that one back to her parents in one piece before Bitty kills me for letting you look away from his baby for twenty seconds.”

Shitty looks down at Gabi, who is hugging his left leg while chewing his shoelaces. Her other hand is holding an uncapped whiteboard marker. “Gabi, baby, can I have the marker please?”

She looks at him with wide eyes before freeing the shoelaces and bringing the marker towards her mouth. Shitty launches at her, grabbing the marker and placing it safely out of her reach on the table. “And with that, I think it might be time to say goodbye to Aunt Lardo and head back home. What do you say, kid?”

Gabi looks less than thrilled about leaving this room full of brightly coloured and eminently chewable objects, but is happy to give Lardo a hug before leaving on Shitty’s hip. He straps her back into her seat and starts the car.

* * *

Bitty, dignity be damned, grabs Gabi out of Shitty’s arms the moment that they step through the door, and hugs her tightly. “Hi, baby! Hi! I’ve missed you so much! Have you had fun with Uncle Shitty?” She smiles at him widely, and he grins back. “Shits, lord, I’m so sorry I doubted you. Look at her, all intact and stuff!”

Shitty gives him a smacking kiss on the cheek before walking through into the kitchen and grabbing himself a cup of coffee. He collapses into a kitchen chair, rubbing at his shoulder. “She’s heavier than she looks though, isn’t she?”

Bitty laughs, poking his daughter in the side before putting her down. “She really is. Although I said that to Jack once, and his response was something about ‘Remember that time you sprained your ankle and I had to carry you up the stairs, you can never complain about anything being heavy, blah blah blah’.” He goes over to the bench to refill the kettle, and almost spills it when Gabi screams like a banshee.

“Gabi, sweetheart, what is it?” They hear the sound of a key turning in the lock as Gabi power-crawls to the front door. “Oh, for God’s –”

Bitty watches her go with affectionate frustration before turning back to Shitty. “She’s got some kind of sixth sense for Jack coming home, I have no idea how she does it. Near gives me a heart attack every time, though.”

“Hi, beautiful! Did you miss me?” drifts in from the entrance. “I know, I know, you had to spend time with Uncle Shitty. Did he buy you any inappropriate slogan t-shirts? Copies of _The Feminine Mystique_? Do you still have all of your fingers and toes?”

There is a shriek of laughter from the corridor, and Jack walks into the kitchen with his daughter dangling upside down. He nonchalantly walks over to Bitty and kisses him, before flipping Gabi the right way up and hugging Shitty tightly. Shitty hugs him back just as affectionately, then goes in for the ass slap as they separate.

“Man, I’ve missed you so much. Everyone I work with is, like, a lawyer. No sense of propriety.”

“Yeah, well, everyone I work with is, like, a hockey player. No sense of hygiene.”

Bitty interrupts their conversation with a frantic, “Honey, _please_ tell me you showered at the rink.”

Jack looks over at him and smiles. “Bits, you’d be able to tell if I hadn’t showered.”

“Speaking of,” Bitty sighs, “I think I need to go and change Gabi. Be right back.” He picks up the baby and carries her out of the room, telling her about his day. They both watch him go.

Shitty turns to Jack and smiles. “Gabi’s fucking awesome, man. I can’t believe how well behaved she is! We went to see Lardo at work for a few minutes and she was just so calm, new environment was no issue. Plus, being stuck with me all day? I think it freaked her out for a second when she woke up from her nap and was being carried by some dude with a glorious mo, but she came back so quickly.”

Jack grins, truly happy. “Yeah, she’s pretty great. I think it might be time to get her into day care a few hours a week, though. Poor Eric is stuck with her all day, every day. I mean, he loves it, but he must want to do something without having to worry about what sockets Gabi is sticking her fingers into.”

“I can hear you talking about me, Jack,” Bitty’s voice comes down the stairwell. “And you know that there are protectors on every damn socket in this place, she couldn’t stick her fingers in one if she tried.”

Jack snorts. “Anyway, yeah, she’s awesome. And you’re awesome. God, thanks so much for taking her today.” He lowers his voice. “How was Bits when you left?”

Shitty chuckles. “He was a bit worried, to be honest, but he let me take her in the end. I guess that’s a win?”

“Yeah, I guess so. How’s work, by the way? Still a nightmare?”

“Still paying the bills. Fuck, I can’t even imagine what it must be like to jump out of bed wanting to go to work every day. Give me a year or two and I’m starting my own firm. Rooftop garden, casual dress, no travel, everyone’s a decent human being. We only take clients that aren’t dicks and everyone goes home by 6.”

“Lord, imagine having a job where you get to leave at 6 every day. Think of the dinner parties we could host, Jack,” Bitty says as he rejoins the conversation, planting Gabi on Jack’s knee before resting his head on top of his husband’s.

“And instead, you’re stuck with a husband who works weird hours and isn’t here half the time and spends his life on ice skates, chasing around a puck with a stick.”

“Hey, hey, none of that.” Shitty butts in before Bitty can say anything. “Radical self love, Zimms, please and thank you.”

Bitty moves around the table and sits down heavily. “Yeah, don’t you dare say nasty things about my husband. I know he’s socially inept and laughs at awful jokes and has a habit of putting the milk carton back in the fridge empty, but I knew what I was getting when I married him. Oh, and I happen to be quite fond of him, thank you very much.”

Jack ducks his head to hide his smile, and buries his nose in Gabi’s hair instead. “What do you think, Gabs? On a scale of one to ten, where does your papa sit?”

She cranes around to look up at Jack and reaches out to pat him on the cheek, but misses and ends up poking him in the eye instead. He recoils quickly, but kisses her before she gets worried that she’s hurt him.

Bitty smiles gently. “See? She thinks you’re ok.”

Jack huffs. “Well, then.”

Shitty decides to change the topic before the two of them get all sentimental and start making eye at each other, and he has to take Gabi and hide for their own safety. “Jack, babe, Lardo and I are going to try and make the game tonight. We should go grab a drink afterwards.”

Bitty pouts in that precocious, freshman way that he’s never quite grown out of. “I can’t believe the three of you will be off having fun and drinking beer and reminiscing about the good old days while I’m at home, cheering on _my husband_ from the couch and listening out for Gabi.”

“Bits, just bring her. I’m sure Jack can get you a seat in the family section, or you can come sit with us. It’ll be just like the good old days, as Bits put it, except now you have a baby and my hair is slightly longer.”

Jack looks legitimately shocked at the prospect. “Wait, fuck, can we do that?”

Shitty rolls his eyes affectionately. “Jack, you two are literally her parents. You can do whatever you want with her, bring her along. If she could manage a day with me, she’ll be fine in a hockey arena. It’s in her blood.”

Jack stares at Bitty, hesitant excitement in his eyes. “What do you think?”

Bitty grins, wide and happy. “Yeah, God, let’s do it. I haven’t been to a game since she was born, I need some masculine aggression in my life.”

Shitty snorts. “That’s you. Eric Bittle, king of masculine aggression.”

* * *

The Falcs win 4-1. Gabi sleeps right through it.


	2. gabi, fifteen months

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Bitty have a work dinner. Shitty and Lardo offer to take Gabi for the night. Bitty only texts eight times. Jack has bigger fish to fry.

 “Seventeen. _Seventeen_. And that’s just in the fucking kitchen, holy shit.”

“What are you talking about, Shits?”

Shitty moves to stand in the middle of their living room, hands on his hips, and tries not to lose count as he tallies everything that could kill Gabi.

“Why the fuck is this place so fatal? What the _fuck_? Why haven’t we secured the fuckin’ bookshelves to the wall? She’s learned how to walk, Lards, she could pull them down on top of her. Or she could pull over the easel. Or trip on that rug. I fuckin’ tripped on it last night and I’m, like, thirty. If she dies, Bitty will kill me. No, he’ll kill both of us. And we’ll be so dead, we’ll never be able to move on –we’ll just have to haunt their house and never be able to eat Bitty’s food again and –”

Shitty is interrupted by Lardo’s hands wrapping around his waist and her forehead resting on his back. “Shits. Babe. I need you to calm down, please. We’re not going to kill Gabi.”

He lets out a pained moan. “How do you know?” Then he freezes. “Holy shit, she’s Canada’s granddaughter. I can’t be responsible for the death of Canada’s granddaughter. The entire country will work out where we live and kill me in my sleep. Honestly, being killed by Bob would be pretty cool, but also I’d rather live, I’ve barely paid off my student loans and –”

“Shitty. Breathe. We’ll keep an eye on her, she’ll have a good time, everyone will come out the other end happy. And alive.”

He kisses her quickly and tries to convince himself that she’s right.

* * *

Shitty jumps out of his car, runs up the driveway, rings the doorbell and waits for the inevitable shriek. It comes immediately, high-pitched and excitable, and he grins.

“Hi, baby girl,” he calls through the door. He hears Gabi giggle, but Jack sounds less pleased than his daughter.

“Gabi, if you could just – oh, for _goodness_ – sorry, Shitty, just give me a minute!” Jack calls through the door. “Bits, could you grab the door? I’ll try and sort this out. Sweetheart, I know you’re an artist like your Aunt Lardo but I need you to –”

Jack’s voice fades away again, so Shitty pulls his phone out of his pocket and plays Diner Dash for a few minutes. Eventually, he hears running and the door is flung open.

“Sorry! Sorry, sorry,” Bitty pants, hair perfect but shirt unbuttoned. “We were both upstairs and Jack came down to grab something and found Gabi drawing on the wall in the kitchen. Why we didn’t take those markers from her when she got them from Ransom and Holster, I’ll never know. The little ratbag, she’s just in everything at the moment. You can’t take your eyes off her for a second or she’ll be going through your drawers.”

Shitty follows Bitty into the kitchen and politely tries to ignore the scribbles. He can hear water splashing in the bathroom, and Gabi’s voice comes down the stairs with a “Papa _no_!”

“Gabi, my love, I need you to stay still for a minute, please.”

“No!” she wails.

“I guess he’s trying to get the marker off her hands,” Bitty comments calmly, tipping cereal into a container. “Oh, and she’s enjoying her new word. Can you tell?”

“I would never have guessed,” Shitty deadpans.

Bitty packs the container into a bag on the counter, and takes a minute to check the list sitting next to it before crossing to the pantry. “So, you’re sure that you guys will be fine with her tonight?” he asks distractedly. “As I said, she’s kind of a handful at the moment.”

“What are you going to do if we don’t take her, Bits? Take her to the dinner? You’re obviously not going to miss it, you’re too proud of Jack.”

Bitty looks up and laughs. “Yeah, no, I’m not going to miss it. It’s not every year your husband wins the Ted Lindsay. I’m actually not sure why the dinner has taken this long, but whatever. At least it’s before the next season starts? But maybe y’all should stay here … at least it’s baby-proof.”

“It’s going to be just fine,” Shitty recites, trying to remember what Lardo told him earlier. “We’ve done everything we can to make our place safe, we’ll keep an eye on her at all times. You guys will go and have a good time, she’ll have a good time, everyone will be happy.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Bitty murmurs, searching through a drawer for a ziplock bag. “And it’ll be nice to have a night out without Jack stressing about work. I mean, he has to give a speech, which is freaking him out, but Lord knows he deserves –”

Shitty’s running through his top ten things that Jack deserves when the man himself calls frantically down the stairs. “Shitty, can you come up here, please?”

“Gimme a second, Bits.”

Bitty waves him off, already sticking his head into the pantry again, so Shitty runs up the stairs and makes his way into the bathroom. Gabi is sitting on the floor gnawing on a bath toy, looking very pleased with herself, while Jack sits on the toilet seat, shirt soaking wet, drying his hair with a towel.

Shitty crosses over to Gabi and gently pulls the toy out of her mouth. She looks disgruntled until he lifts her onto his hip and kisses her cheek. “What are you doing to your poor papa, sweetheart? Did he try and make you conform to the status quo again? I know, he’s such a normie, but he’s trying. Cut him some slack, OK?”

“Papa no,” she tells him seriously.

“I know, honey.”

She rests her head on Shitty’s shoulder and looks at Jack with accusatory eyes. “Be nice, Gabs,” Jack groans at her.

“No,” she mutters, and Shitty does his best not to laugh.

“You drive a hard bargain, Gabi Rose. You’re going to be such a hard taskmaster when you get older, I can’t wait. Between your Aunt Lardo’s organization skills, your daddy’s disapproving stare and your papa’s Scary Captain Voice, you’ll be unstoppable.”

“And what do you bring to the party?” Jack asks, laughing, as he makes his way over to the hand basin and tries to smooth his hair into something vaguely black-tie appropriate.

Shitty throws a hand over his heart in a vague parody of Bitty. As best he can, anyway, with a baby on his hip. “I cannot believe you just asked me that. Jack Zimmermann, do you not think I can bring anything to the table vis-à-vis the upbringing of this child?”

“That’s not what I said and you know it, you ridiculous –”

“I’m _very_ well-rounded, for one. I grew up with privilege, and yet I’m not a Boston douchenozzle. I spend my life spreading the gospel of intersectional feminism. I’m in an interracial relationship. I have been known to rock a pocket square at times. I am quite frankly _offended_ , nay, _insulted_ , that you don’t think –”

“I acknowledge all of your contributions, Shitty, I was joking.”

“– that I’m able to educate this, the communal child, on important, life-changing issues like captain voices and disapproving glares and checklists. I’m obviously going to teach her about her rights under the law and proper hair care and, when it’s age appropriate, the best way to do a kegstand and –”

“Oh my God, Shitty, shut up.”

“– I’m going to teach her more than all of you combined, so _there_.”

Rant over, Shitty picks a giggling Gabi up and carries her into Jack and Bitty’s bedroom, throwing her onto the bed and settling next to her. Jack doesn’t even bother to put up a protest, just follows them, crosses to the closet and pulls out a suit. He strips out of his t-shirt and track pants, and starts changing methodically.

Shitty looks up from Gabi, who has been steadfastly trying to pull his hair out of its bun.

“So, anyway … you looking forward to the dinner?”

Jack shrugs. “Well, you know. I have to give a speech.”

Shitty does his best to look surprised. “Wait, you got a league award, your team are holding a dinner to celebrate and they want you to give a speech? I’m shocked and appalled.”

“Bitty tried to convince me to write cue cards, but I don’t know. I don’t want to sound too rehearsed, you know?”

“Just give a pep talk, dude. You’re the fuckin’ king of them. _I appreciate this, it was a great season but we’ve got to keep pushing, we can’t get complacent_ , that kind of bullshit. They’ll eat it up.”

“Language,” Jack mutters half-heartedly as he searches through a drawer for an appropriate pair of cufflinks. He pulls one out, seemingly at random, and stares at them mutely for a second. “Shits, man, can you –”

Shitty holds out a hand to take the cufflinks, JLZ engraved on the plates, and threads the first one through Jack’s cuff. Gabi tries to grab the other one and he shoots out a hand to stop her before she eats it. God, if she dies on his watch in her _parents’ house_ , his karma will be blown to pieces.

“Gabi, sweetheart, could you not?” Jack chides as Shitty quickly shoves the other cufflink in place and steps back.

“No.”

“Pretty sure that was rhetorical, baby girl,” Shitty tells her.

“No.”

“You’re going to get so sick of that,” Bitty says from the door. “I had no idea babies had so many opinions.”

Gabi jerks around at the sound of her father’s voice with a toothy grin, and has scooted to the edge of the bed before anyone knows what has happened. Bitty swoops over and grabs her before she can fall off the edge. “Careful, Miss Gabi! Do you want to fall and hurt yourself?”

“No!”

“Good answer, Gabs,” Jack calls from the closet, where he’s flicking through a multitude of suit jackets like he’s not quite sure where they came from. “I’m proud of you.”

“Not that we’re not always proud of you, sweetheart,” Bitty adds. “Don’t ever forget that, OK?”

“Oh my _God_ , Bits,” Shitty laughs. “It’s going to be fine. We’re taking her for an evening, not a month. You’ll have her back in the morning.”

Bitty, who appears to have forgotten that he’s going anywhere, pulls out his phone to check the time and blanches. “Oh, good lord. Sorry to break up the party, gang, but we’ve got to get moving soon. Jack, baby, why don’t you go and talk Shitty through the basics? I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

Jack, Shitty and Gabi all troop down the stairs into the entrance, where a veritable mountain of bags is lying near the door. There’s a portable crib, a duffle full of toys and two diaper bags, one of which has an entire tin of formula neatly balanced on top. He shoves everything into the trunk of his car before returning to the doorway, where Gabi is doing her best to ruin Jack’s hair again.

Shitty takes a deep breath. “Jack, lay it on me. What do I need to know?”

“It’s not that complicated, man. Just bring her back alive.”

“That’s not funny, Jack!” Bitty’s voice comes from upstairs. “Tell him what he needs to know, please and thank you.”

“Yes, darling.” Jack rolls his eyes but squeezes Gabi affectionately. “OK. Fine. She can eat whatever you’re having for dinner, as long as it’s not too salty or spicy. Cut it into little pieces for her. Bath before bed. Asleep by 7:30, 8 at the latest. She should sleep through the night but she’ll be up pretty early. Sorry about that. If she wakes up, just leave her alone and she should fall back asleep pretty quickly.”

Shitty breathes in and out. “OK. That sounds achievable. You sure there’s nothing else?”

“Um … Bedtime routine is pretty straightforward. Warm milk, clean her teeth, story, door open but light off. The portable crib is all ready to go, and her blanket should be in the duffle. Eric packed a couple of plates and some cereal for her, for snacks and stuff. Oh, and some toys. She can’t really stack the cups yet but she likes to try, and if you give her some clothes pegs or something, she’ll be busy for hours.”

“Anything else?” Shitty asks in disbelief. “Is there an order that her socks go on? A specific temperature for her bedroom? Is she allergic to oxygen?”

“You’ll be fine, Shits. It’s not that complicated.”

“Remember when you were telling me to _just bring her home alive_? This is like launching a fuckin’ rocket.” He locks eyes with Gabi, who is observing him with one thumb in her mouth. “I’m sure you’re worth it, baby girl. It’s just a whole fuckin’ lot to take in.”

“Language,” Bitty sings down the stairs.

“Sorry, Bits!”

“Seriously, though. She’ll be fine. Remember what you can and make the rest up. Phone us if you need anything, of course, but … well, you know how Eric is. Just try and sort it out by yourselves if you can? He’ll want to leave if you tell him that she’s sneezed twice.”

“Yeah, we’ll do our best.” He focuses on Gabi. “Time to head off, Gabi Rose?”

“No.”

“Oh, for –”

“Bye, sweetheart,” Jack interjects before Shitty can take back the offer to babysit and spends the weekend hiding in a corner instead. “You’re going to have so much fun with Lardo and Shitty, OK? I love you.”

“Bye-bye?”

“Yeah, Gabs. Bye-bye. But we’ll see you in the morning.”

“Bye-bye,” Gabi repeats cheerfully. “Bye-bye, Dada.”

There is a loud thump from upstairs, which sounds like a pair of shoes being thrown to the floor, and Bitty’s voice comes closer. “If you leave without letting me say goodbye, Shitty, so help me God –”

Jack grins at Shitty before crossing to the door and slamming it with all his strength. Bitty skids around the corner into the hallway, takes in the scene before him and plants his hands on his hips. “You’re not funny, Jack.”

“Funny!” Gabi crows.

“No, honey. He’s not funny at all,” Bitty pouts as he pulls their daughter off Jack’s hip and hugs her tightly. “I thought I wouldn’t be able to give you a goodnight kiss because he was being _mean_ to me.”

“No mean.”

“That’s right. We shouldn’t be mean ever. Especially when we love someone and they’re emotionally compromised because their tiny baby child is being taken away from them for an entire evening.”

Shitty tries not to roll his eyes. “Give me the baby, Bits.”

Bitty doesn’t reply, choosing instead to stick his nose on top of Gabi’s head and smell her hair.

“Eric. You need to get ready. We’re going now. Say goodbye.”

The tough love approach appears to work. With a sigh, Bitty kisses Gabi’s cheek before handing her over to her godfather. “Bye, sweetheart. I love you a lot. You be good for Uncle Shitty and Aunt Lardo, OK?”

“Bits, she’s going to be fine,” Jack interrupts. “We’ll go and get her if we need to, but we _won’t_.”

Bitty wheels on Shitty. “If there’s anything you need, anything at all, just phone and we’ll be right there. I’m serious.”

Shitty grins. “I know you’re serious, Bits. But it’s going to be fine. Have a good night, guys.”

“We’ll try,” Bitty says with a sigh.

Jack wrinkles his nose at Shitty, kisses Gabi one more time and slams the door.

* * *

“Oh my God, babe. You have to come see this.”

Shitty pulls his head out of the fridge, where he has been trying to find space to shove leftovers from dinner, and redirects his attention to the living room. Lardo is sitting cross-legged across from a frustrated-looking Gabi, who clearly is trying and failing to tell her godmother something.

Lardo looks far too pleased with herself. “OK, so you know how she’s a baby?”

Shitty snorts. “Yeah, I worked that out.”

“Well … She doesn’t understand the notion of double negatives.”

Good lord. “Lards, are you playing mind games with a tiny person?”

“Maybe. But check this out, it’s amazing.” She turns back to Gabi. “Gabi, do you not want a bath?”

“No.”

“Great! I guess it’s bath time!”

“No!”

“But you just agreed with me.”

“No.”

“Do you think it’s not bath time?”

“No!”

“So you agree that it’s definitely not bath time?”

“No!” Gabi wails.

“So, wait. You don’t not agree with me?”

“No!”

“Oh my God, Lards, leave her alone. She’s going to start getting cranky.”

“Hush, you. This is literally the greatest thing that has happened to me all month.”

* * *

**_group text: old and married_ **

**Bitty:** hi guys

 **Bitty:** haven’t heard anything from yall. is everything ok?

 **Jack:** Guys please respond

 **Jack:** He’s getting convinced that you’re ignoring him because you’re at the hospital and you’re not allowed to have your phones on

 **Lardo:** Shitty’s not looking at his phone rn cos he’s too busy playing w ur baby

 **Lardo:** We fed her dinner and everything

 **Bitty:** you’re both superstars

 **Bitty:** but it’s almost her bedtime

 **Bitty:** has she had a bath?

 **Shitty:** she has had a bath.

 **Shitty:** she is in her pjs

 **Shitty:** she’s drinking milk

 **Bitty:** have you read her a story?

 **Shitty:** lardo is currently reading her a story

 **Bitty:** pics or it didn’t happen

 **Shitty:** [attachment]

 **Bitty:** those aren’t pyjamas

 **Jack:** Oh my god Eric please

 **Jack:** You’re both doing a great job

* * *

Shitty awakes suddenly to the sound of a toddler sobbing down the hall. The bedside clock says it’s 2:49.

Lardo is already sitting up in bed. “Should we go get her?” she asks, chewing her lip anxiously.

“I don’t know,” Shitty mutters, still half-asleep. “Jack said to just leave her if she wakes up.”

Gabi lets out another shrieking wail.

“Yeah, but listen to her. Oh my God, Shits, we can’t just leave her like this.”

“I don’t want to get in trouble with Bits, is all.”

Lardo looks personally offended as Gabi lets out another screech. “If you want to leave her like that, babe, be my guest. But listen to her! What if something’s wrong and we ignored her? What if she’s sick? What if she’s had a bad dream and she can’t tell us what it was about? What if she’s homesick and freaked out and going in would make her feel better?”

Shitty throws his forearm over his face melodramatically. “You’re obviously going to go anyway, so … I don’t know, just give me a second.”

Lardo climbs out of bed, pulling on a sweater as she goes. “Come on, bud. Let’s go see what all this is about.”

She heads down the hall, cracks the door to the guest room open, pokes her head around the frame and lets out a sad sigh. Shitty, close behind, follows her lead and has to hold back a gasp. Gabi looks absolutely _miserable_ , tears streaming down her cheeks and nose running like a faucet. She looks up, clearly expecting her parents, and her lip wobbles dangerously.

“Dada?” she calls sadly.

“So, you think we should just leave her?” Lardo asks pointedly.

“No, I don’t think we should fuckin’ – we can’t abandon her like this. Look at her!”

After another moment of the baby’s pathetic sniffing, Shitty pushes past Lardo into the room and gathers Gabi into his arms. There’s a moment of panic while she tries to work out what’s going on; Shitty bounces her in a way that he hopes is soothing, while Lardo stands next to him, stroking Gabi’s arm gently.

“Hi, sweetheart,” he murmurs. “Hey, it’s OK. It’s just us.”

“Dada?”

Shitty’s heart breaks a tiny bit. “No, honey, he’s not here. Remember? You’re with us tonight.”

“Papa?” She sniffs, craning her neck to check that Jack and Bitty aren’t hiding beyond the doorway. When she can’t see them, her tears start again. Shitty looks at Lardo, unsure of what to do. Lardo rolls her eyes and pulls Gabi away from him, hugging her tightly.

“It’s just Uncle Shitty and I, beautiful. Daddy and Papa had to go and do boring adult things, so you got to come and play with us tonight. They’re probably asleep right now, like you should be.”

Lardo keeps talking quietly, rocking her softly, but when she tries to put Gabi back into her crib, the toddler screams. Literally screams.

“Jesus! It’s OK, baby girl. You’re OK. I’ll sit with you as long as you need, alright?”

She eventually settles onto the bed, whispering softly to Gabi who is sniffing piteously on her shoulder. Shitty hovers, completely unsure of his role in this situation and yet not wanting to leave Lardo for a second.

Lardo smiles at him, not raising her voice as Gabi is slowly, finally starting to calm. “Go back to sleep, Shits. I’ll stay with her until she falls asleep.”

Shitty drags himself back down the hallway and into bed. He falls asleep to the soft sound of Lardo’s voice reassuring Gabi that she’s fine, she’s safe, she’s loved, it’ll all be better in the morning.

* * *

It feels like Shitty has just fallen asleep when the baby monitor clicks on. It would be kind to say that Gabi knows ten words, but that’s not stopping her from having a solid conversation with herself.

“What the fuck time is it?”

Lardo rolls over to look at the bedside clock and groans. “6:20. Bags not it. I sat with her last night.”

“Are you fuckin’ – why is she up so early? Doesn’t she know it’s a Saturday?”

“She’s a baby, you loser. She doesn’t know what the days of the week are.”

“You owe me,” Shitty says as he leans over to kiss Lardo’s forehead. “I’m serious. You can do the dishes for a week.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Lardo murmurs, already falling back asleep. “Put a shirt on, Shits.”

Shitty shuffles out of bed, pulls on a tank top which may well belong to Lardo, and stumbles his way into the spare bedroom down the hall. Gabi is sitting in her crib, chatting to the room, but she pulls herself up when the door opens.

“Good morning, Miss Gabi. Long time, no see. Any particular reason you’re up this early?”

“Hi,” she says, showing all eight teeth as she smiles widely. Shitty tries to maintain his terrible mood, but it’s difficult to ignore how fucking cute she is. Clearly whatever happened last night has been long forgotten.

“Hello there,” he replies. “I see you avoiding my question. Your looks are only going to protect you for so long, you know. At some point, you’re going to have to discover that the world is a cruel place. For example, sometimes the people you love wake you up at 6:20. Which, as I’m sure you’re aware, is unjust, unfair and unkind.”

Gabi reaches her arms up in a clear request to be let out of her tiny prison. He frowns down at her for a minute before relenting and scooping her up into a hug.

“I’m not sure why I enable you,” he coos. “I’m going to give you back to your parents with such an attitude. They’re never going to let me near you again.”

He changes her diaper as quickly as he can before grabbing the bag of toys and heading into the living room. They sit on the floor, Sesame Street in the background, and Gabi drinks some milk before playing with her stacking cups. Jack wasn’t exaggerating about the length of her attention span – it must take an hour before she’s sick of them, Shitty sorting them into careful piles and Gabi gleefully knocking each one down. Shitty sips his coffee like it’s oxygen and reminds himself that he’s written exams on less sleep.

By the time Lardo stumbles into the living room at a much more dignified 8:45, Shitty has left Gabi in front of the TV to make breakfast. He’s sure he’s not going to win any babysitting awards, but she looks happy enough so he chalks it up as a win.

“Good morning, sunshine,” he sings to her. “Did you sleep well? Ignoring the interruptions, anyway.”

She groans. “Shits, I love you, but I need a cup of coffee and some asprin before my head explodes.”

“That good, hey?”

“Didn’t you notice that I wasn’t back in bed until 3:30?”

“I was kind of … asleep.”

“Yeah, I could tell. You hog the sheets, dude.”

“Sorry. I’m working on it, though.”

“No, you’re not.”

“No, I’m really not. How would you even work on something that you do in your sleep, anyway? Hypnosis? I’m not letting some fuckwit with a degree from the internet play around in my brain. God knows what they’d find.”

He turns back to flip the French toast on the stove. Lardo laughs softly, wrapping her arms around his waist. They stand there in companionable silence for a minute before Gabi runs into the kitchen and demands to be let in on the hug. Lardo obliges happily.

“Good morning to you too, gorgeous one. Did you sleep well, honey?”

Gabi smiles toothily at her, then notices the pan on the stove and lights up. “Please?” she asks, reaching towards the toast with both arms. Lardo has to brace herself to stop them both from toppling over.

“Careful, Gabs,” she warns. “We need to be safe in the kitchen, OK? Surely your daddy has taught you that by now.”

Gabi just looks at her with carefully innocent eyes. “Please.”

“You’re a little devil, d’you know that?” Shitty tells the baby. “One day, you’ll have an entire country on its knees with that face.”

If it were possible for a fifteen-month-old to look self-satisfied, Gabi Bittle would have it down pat.

“I’m just going to cut up some strawberries and then it’ll be time for breakfast,” Lardo tells Gabi. “Are you hungry, baby girl?”

Gabi claps her hands and shrieks happily, a sound that might have been ‘strawberries’ with more coordination and another few months of practice.

“I know!” Shitty coos to her. “I love strawberries too! Especially when I’m sleep-deprived and just really need to get some sugar into my body before it collapses in on itself! Yay!”

“Yay!” Gabi repeats.

A few minutes later, breakfast has been assembled. It’s not much – neither Shitty nor Lardo would call themselves good cooks – but with coffee, French toast, bacon and fruit on the table, it’ll do for a Sunday morning.

“Are you going to come and sit with us, Gabi Rose?” Shitty asks Gabi with a smile, nursing his third cup of coffee.

“No.”

He groans. “Oh my God, sweetheart. Not this again.”

Lardo takes over. “Are you not going to come and eat some breakfast?”

Gabi looks puzzled for a minute, before clearly deciding that breakfast is a priority, no matter the semantics. She clambers into Shitty’s lap as best as she can, and happily eats small pieces of French toast off his plate for a few minutes. She’s beginning to dig into the strawberry slices, her face covered in syrup, when the door buzzes.

“I wonder who that is,” Lardo asks Gabi, who has been unceremoniously dumped into her lap so that Shitty can get the door. “Do you have any ideas?”

“Ho?” Gabi asks with a smile. Both Lardo and Shitty do their best to not laugh, but the fact that Gabi calls Holster ‘Ho’ will, to be honest, never stop being funny.

“I don’t think it’s Holster, sweetheart. But it might be someone else who is also fun. And blond.”

“Bitty’s not fun, Lards. He’s Tough Dad, everyone knows that.”

“Dada?” Gabi screeches in Lardo’s ear.

“Oh my _God_ , Gabs. Yes, you’re very smart. And very loud.”

A few minutes later, Bitty is situated at the table with a coffee of his own and a very happy toddler standing on his knees. Gabi appears to be trying to meld into her father – she’s plastered herself against his chest, arms around his neck. Bitty kisses one of her arms as best he can.

“Did you have fun, honey?”

“Dada hi.”

“Hi, sweetpea. I missed you too.”

She shoves her nose into his neck and sneezes.

“That’s disgusting, Gabs,” Lardo chides.

“D’you know, I’d almost take some neck snot right about now,” Bitty says with a smile. “God, I missed her so much. It’s so weird being at home without her.”

“But I’m sure you managed to have a good night anyway.”

Bitty grins. “We did. Thanks for asking. The dinner was really nice, and we were able to stay late for once. It’s always so good to catch up with everyone properly – I don’t ever see Jack’s teammates, or the partners without having a million kids around.”

“Yeah, and I’d bet that’s not all you saw. You both sleep well? Not too quiet for you?”

“Shitty, have a little dignity. He’s literally holding his child.”

“We’re not discussing that right now, Shits. All I’ll say is that I slept very well, as did my husband. Who is still asleep. He had a big night.”

Shitty holds his hand out for a high five, which Bitty reluctantly returns. Lardo looks between the two of them as if she can’t decide who she’s more disappointed in.

“And how was she? Did she sleep OK?”

“She woke up at one point, kinda freaked out, but we got her back to sleep eventually,” Lardo says, as gently as she can.

“Lards sat with her like a champion,” Shitty adds. Bitty doesn’t need, or want, to know the details. Gabi’s miserable face is going to show up in his nightmares, he’s sure of it.

“Oh, lord, she wasn’t too much trouble, right?”

“Nah, Bits. She’s a total angel. She was just missing you guys, that’s all.”

Bitty hugs Gabi tightly before bringing her down to sit on his lap. “Were you OK, Miss Gabi? You didn’t miss us too much?”

“Dada hi,” she says happily.

“Hello, beautiful,” he replies.

“Papa hi?” she asks.

“He’s at home, gorgeous. He’s still asleep! Can you believe it? Maybe you can wake him up when we get home.”

Gabi laughs. Shitty can never quite tell if she understands what everyone is saying, or if she’s playing off tone, or if she’s just a happy kid, but Bitty seems happy enough with the response.

“We’d better get a wriggle on, guys. Thanks so much for having her. I knew y’all had it in you.”

Shitty tactfully refrains from mentioning Bitty’s panic the night before, and they’re gone in a few minutes.

Lardo closes the door with one last farewell, then collapses next to Shitty on the couch. “Holy _fuck._ ”

“Yep.”

“That was, quite possibly, the most stressful eighteen hours of my life.”

“But we didn’t kill her!”

“Yeah, we totally nailed not killing her.”

“We’re basically professional babysitters.”

“Slow it down there, sport.”

He chuckles, and flicks on the TV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shitty totally drives an SUV. He has a car seat for Gabi permanently installed in the back seat.

**Author's Note:**

> the honda commercial was a reference to one of the greatest fics ever written in this fandom, _[brought to you by](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5388197)_. if you haven’t read it, please go do yourself a favour this instant. 
> 
> if you so desire, come say hi on [tumblr](http://murrayhewitt.tumblr.com).


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